He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Randomize
