Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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