im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I want a musical about memes.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
