i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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