What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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