Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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