i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
