That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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