I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
