ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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