I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
