i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I can't turn off my feet"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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