we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
