While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
