My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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