remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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