I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
