I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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