i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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