I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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