Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
