it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
