I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
