I met the friendliest cop last night
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
