She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
