I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
