So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I need to stop coming to work sober
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
