Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
