My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
