My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
