You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
