Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
