so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He did a backflip because drugs
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