Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
