it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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