I accidentally had phone sex last night
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
