Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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