It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
