If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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