I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
