How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
