I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
