you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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