didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
