I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
