today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
