I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
