I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
