If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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