She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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