My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
