I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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