All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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