it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
