She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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